Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
