90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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