He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
