Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
