then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
