Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so let's talk penis.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
