You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
