i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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