I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
