pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
