Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
