I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
