I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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