Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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