I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
