you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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