When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
