please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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