just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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