I'll bet she douches with gravy.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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