One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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