i think my tv is drunk
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
