oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
