someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
