its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
