You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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