I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
