i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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