when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
