Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
