Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
