my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
