Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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