4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
