Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
