the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
