I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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