There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
