The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They took my balls.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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