Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
