People with herpes should wear stickers.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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