I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
