our cab driver is having phone sex.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
