Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
