apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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