We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
