Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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