1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
