Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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