you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
