dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
